good thing foolish one came out in 2023 and not in 2010 because that song would have WRECKED me in 2013/14
today, i had a pb&j for breakfast, mac and cheese for lunch, and gyro fries for dinner.
was it healthy? not really. do i care? not really.
a decade ago, to date, i passed out & fell down the stairs because i hadn’t eaten in 3 days. i was terrified of food, specifically peanut butter, mac and cheese, and fries. i thought nobody knew my secret and it consumed me (ironic).
did i think about that today? no, I only noticed the date because of my plans with my friends. i ate what we had because i was hungry, and because i like those foods. Then I moved on with my day.
i didn’t expect the quiet progress to come sneaking up on me, but it did.
and i’m proud of myself.
I think about myself from 10 years ago a lot.
She was in everything because she felt like she wasn’t anything. She drove herself past burnout. She didn’t eat breakfast, or anything, really. She didn’t sleep. She didn’t love herself, or let others fully love her. She never asked for help or said it was too much. She ached in her bones and gave herself in pieces. She stayed silent in bad situations. She was tired.
When I was everything again, intentional or not, and the ache started, I threw up the white flag. I said it was too much and accepted help. When I was put in a bad situation, I reported it and removed myself. I watch arthur and eat eggos dipped in yogurt, and I take a nap when I feel like it because I’m allowed to rest. I took leave, because I’m allowed to rest. The ache doesn’t have to be there.
I felt her, her shame at my lack of productivity. We had an ice cream cone and I talked to my friends. I felt her doubt at the reports and talked to my therapist. When the void was screaming and the ache was rattling, I let people in and said I needed help, and I got it. I let myself be loved fully and allow myself to be met where I’m at. I don’t fracture myself for others, I am loved wholly. When I’m tired, I rest, and I ask for a hug.
I think of her, and I wish I could give her a hug. I wish I could tell her that it gets better, like a storybook, but it doesn’t. But we take it one day at a time, one hug at a time, one ice cream cone at a time, and we keep growing.
The bones don’t ache anymore.
an autism diagnosis wasn’t on my 2022 bingo card but here we are i guess
I’m sitting in the car, debating if I should take a job on the other side of the country, and uproot everything we have, because I would grow.
I was thinking about all the other times I wish I knew what to do, but in early adulthood, so here’s my list.
1. Sometimes the best thing you can do is buy some gelato, turn off your phone, and go for a walk.
2. If you only give people puzzle pieces of yourself so they won’t hurt you, you’ll only end up hurting yourself from the loneliness.
3. The shame that was unpacked in the moving boxes will be replaced with gratefulness for the time you had with them towards the end of their time.
4. If you have to bus two hours to see him and he ignores you for video games when you get there, he doesn’t love you.
5. When a guy tells you that he loves you, but then you see him with the girl he said he wasn’t with, he doesn’t love you.
6. It’s okay to not go out when you’re tired.
7. Just shut up sometimes, apologies can do more damage than you think.
8. If they’re real friends, they’ll stick around when the bottles are empty, your secrets are loose, and the tears are dry.
9. It doesn’t matter how much denial you live in, if you said no, it wasn’t consensual, but it will make content for therapy later.
10. People will break themselves apart and walk away, but sometimes they come back rebuilt.
Ten years ago, I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation. Ten years later, I’m looking down the road, where to go next.
It’s a strange thought, to realize you exceeded those expectations, but any of the ones the you 10 years ago could have dreamed of as well.
It’s not something you can tell someone who didn’t know you then either, so to the me in the past, hang in there.
and take your fucking antidepressants.
standing on the steps, this is the last time I will be here.
My entire life in this place, and I thought I would be more upset. I’m not.
Somehow, the longest relationships in my life have crumbled into dust. Somehow, it’s not the same. They think it is. It’s not.
I can’t keep going in circles of you did, they did, we did, she did. It’s tired. We aren’t fine. We aren’t good.
Maybe we never were.
You see me as a dollar sign. I don’t know what to see anymore. He sees me as a daughter, but not enough to actually respect me.
Is it worth it to keep breaking my own heart? Is it worth it to keep the dance up, the show going, the facade up, while you tell everyone lies and blame us?
It’s the last time I’ll be here. I looked at the tree. Stared out the windows and walls and memorized the sounds.
The tree keeps growing. I do too.
It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.
“In a relationship, you need somebody who’s going to call you out, not somebody who’s going to let everything slide. You need somebody who doesn’t want to live without you, but can. Not somebody that is dependent, but somebody who is stronger with you. A relationship is two people, not one”
— one of my favorite quotes about relationships (via safeguards)
I really spent an entire therapy session on you, you fuck.
My family can fall apart, and I can feel nothing, but I’m still upset about the silence.
I’m angry I ended up making you my idea of home, because you were more caring and more consistent in my life than anybody else.
I thought I was grieving you, but I’m also grieving the loss of a home. I mean, I’m not homeless, but there’s no settling ground.
You saw more than anybody else. You knew how important you were.
I miss you.
